It is not always important to have verbal conversations with people who mean the most to you. It becomes extremely difficult to be vocal about the way you feel about them, as you, yourself fail to put them in words! A SMS can actually break barriers of hesitance and can do wonders. In my opinion, one can talk more and more freely through a sms! It was always easier for me to express myself via smses and I guess it was the same for him! As mentioned in my earlier posts, our medium of conversation was mostly through SMS. It was fun but painful!!! My fingers used to pain adversely after a point that is when both of us had exchanged like a hundred messages on a stretch (only!!) ;) But what kept me going was his interest to talk to me ! Initially, both of us were not very comfortable talking over the phone but it was indispensable for me to talk to him and at least make an attempt to mend broken ties, so the only weapon I could adopt was Short Message Service (I Can never thank enough the inventor!! ) It created a foundation for our verbal conversations which gave us an opportunity for meet ups (Meet ups – Sigh! negligible :'( ). But I was content (formerly) and ecstatic that we spoke almost everyday and for the whole day! We always had a good stock to talk and discuss about but the moment we went short of topics, he remained mum! The incorrigible me initiated absurd and completely baseless topics ;) which eventually led to a pretty long conversation ;) and by the end of it, he used to come up with something worth talking about!:D The process went on for quite sometime and strengthened our bond a little! Yes, it did lead to a certain amount of disconnection from what was happening around me earlier (I did not regret it) but in a week or two I mastered the skill of multi-tasking :D Every time a text from him made me all excited :) My friends used to tease me with him but I never bothered to justify our relationship to them as I firmly believed that they exactly knew how I felt and were equally happy! There also came a time when sometimes I failed to reply to his sms due to unavoidable situations and then the flow of his multiple texts reflected his agitation ..that particular feeling was undefinable as his sudden agitation made me ‘assume’ that I did mean something to him!! :)
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There are certain things that are unattainable no matter how hard you try to get hold of them…There are certain things that just cannot be fixed even if you put your life to fix them! It is difficult to get back people who have meant a lot to you but it is even more difficult to handle the fact that you are not the same for them anymore in spite all your efforts!!! Certain things are just meant to be the way they are, one can call it fate or destiny.. Few things are short lived. But I always believed that the bond I shared with him was not for a short period of time.. After that night (refer ‘the letter’) we started talking almost everyday :) I remained skeptical about things though and did not want to repeat the same mistakes all over again.. So I was prudent every time I spoke to him. Initially, it was difficult to be myself as I did not open up about things but later, my mind and heart spoke a thousand words to him without any hesitation. He always listened to me with a curious ear. He seemed to be a little interested about the on goings in my life, while on the contrary I was too keen to know about everything in his life, his whereabouts, his set of friends, his problems, family, even his intake of food :P :P The entire phase seemed absurdly cute and I loved every minute of it. Our mode of conversation was mostly through texts. My fingers were never in peace and the message traffic remained green 24*7. During this time, my parents were mostly cooperative but as soon as my perpetual typing of the texts paced, they lost their patience . Their fuming stare day and night was like a thousand bullets eagerly propelling through their angry eye balls towards me.With every beep of my message tone, my parents exasperation slowly reached the zenith. I had no other choice but to cease for the moment or confront the ineluctable repercussions :D :D :D
He always told me that I was the indisputable ‘antaryami’ (who knew everything, of course all pun intended). I always claimed that I knew everything. If nothing I was pretty certain about what and how he felt about me as a person. I claimed that I was aware of my importance in his life (the journey from maximum to meagre importance – completely heartbreaking and excruciating! :( :( ). He was not vocal about how he felt about me but he always did indicate that what I saw or felt might not be for real! :) :) He often called me by that name but his indication helped me believe (virtually) that I might not be just an ordinary friend but a special friend (I so badly wished that my illusion was a reality) :( :(
I had a sound sleep that night and probably after a very long time… From then we started exchanging messages. I had this urge to text him almost everyday and after every hour, but then I tried battling with my irrationality every now and then as I did not want my berserk mind to over do things. He messaged me occasionally and stuck to mere chit chat but the stubborn me always prolonged it and the best part was that he never had a problem :) :) I guess he liked talking to me too … I could sense that he knew what I was trying to attain.. almost the IMPOSSIBLE then, which seemed not so impossible now. He had always been a great friend to me during school. There was something so dynamic about him that was undefinable. It was not his appearance but there was something far beyond that.. something that was magnetic. I always wondered what is that one thing that hypnotizes all his friends to be with him all the time ?? His sense of comprehending a problem so well or mental wavelength compatibility with his folks?? Or his impregnable spirit to help his friends and stand by them no matter how crucial the circumstances were. He often said ‘My friends mean the world to me!’.. and I knew for a fact they actually did!! He was a rare species and I had never come across a person more selfless than him. Although he was the most selfless person I had ever met but at the same time he was the most unpredictable too.
It was easy for him to predict what bothered me. I sometimes felt vulnerable when he could figure it out on his own and then sat with me to discuss about things. He always had a solution to all my unresolved issues..mostly…. He truly epitomized the term ‘FRIENDSHIP’ for me. But then he was just not a friend to me nor was he a lover, he was somebody I could confide in blindly, somebody who had been a pillar of strength in my odds and somebody who could effortlessly manage to bring a smile on my face and also make me cry a thousand tears.
There are some people who have an invincible impact on you. Without a doubt he had the most tremendous impact on me. How a message from him brought a huge smile on my face??? I realized… I loved the fact of being so highly influenced by him ;) ;) This time his message read, ‘ I was going through the letter that you gave me so I thought of dropping a text’. In retrospect, I wrote him a letter during my vacation to Shimla, that was during school. Things were picture perfect that time. It was the first letter that I wrote to him. Probably it was his first letter ever so he was really touched reading it. The content of the letter was very general. But it did reflect that he meant a lot to me. There was a moment of elevation that I experienced when I read his text. I knew we had remained disconnected for quite sometime but what made me extremely happy was that he still had my letter and he still reads it. I ‘assumed’ that I could fix things. I ‘assumed’ that things could be the same between us…. I tried controlling my mind as I knew I was thinking too much. It was difficult for us to reconcile. I proceeded with the conversation and typed ‘ You still have it with you? :O’. He replied instantly.. ‘Yes! the first letter that somebody wrote to me….’ I felt nice reading the words that he typed. I was brimming with foolish pride because I was the first one to do so and my letter had been the medium of our conversation. But when it came to my reply to his overwhelming text, I fell short of words. I had this indomitable and absurd urge to meet him… absurd because I wanted to meet him at 2.30 at night!!! I could not think of anything and texted him if he could meet me soon. I could predict his reply and without much to my surprise, he replied that he needed sometime (just to be polite) and wished me good night, but I knew at the back of my pessimistic mind that he would not meet me. I wished him the same :( :( . Placing my phone back on the ottoman, I wondered what was good about the unexpected night??? Within seconds my heart answered… ‘He spoke to you after ages and things are not as bad as you thought them to be!!! :) :) ‘
I waited for his reply after the text but he did not respond. I was in a dilemma to text him again but then I retreated my fingers from doing so. It was one-ish at night and I was at the verge of dozing off but my message tone beeped once again. Excitedly, I jumped off my bed to get the phone lying on the ottoman. I quickly held on to my phone and saw the text, it read ‘ How have you been?’… zillion emotions stirred in me. I had been dreaming of the day to talk to him and justify my part of the story but could not believe that things were actually happening for real. I tried disconnecting my mind from the thoughts that revolved around me day and night and wrote ” I am fine.. how are you?” I became impatient and could not wait for his reply. But this time he replied rather quickly. He said he was doing well, at least better than before. I wondered what that meant. My mind was bombarded with questions… I knew that he had a tough time in a different city. I knew it was difficult for him not to be in touch with his best friends… I knew I did not fit the bill any more but it must have been excruciating for him not to talk to his close friends. I knew I had been the reason for his loss. After contemplating, I sent him a message again that read ‘Same here’. My mind became jittery when he did not reply this time. Numerous reasons flooded my mind. Did he doze off all of a sudden??? ( I started grumbling to myself… ‘You cannot make him sleep, I had waited for this for so long!!!’) or was he genuinely caught up with something or did his insight asked him not to talk to me, again. I just wanted my mind to be in peace and not to ‘assume’ so much. He always told me ‘Don’t you think you assume too much.. ASSUMPTION QUEEN!’ To ease my mind a little, I stepped out of my room furtively as I did not want my parents to shout in terror as it was two at night and walked towards the balcony to get a breath of fresh air. The gentle breeze played with my hair and I realized that assumptions could be claustrophobic. My message tone beeped again and it brought a big smile on my face :)
We have known each other for past five years. I met him during school. We were batch mates. As my new friends group emerged during high school he became a part of the group. I can remotely recall that in our first group hang out, I found him shy and an introvert. He did not talk much but the spark in his eyes drew my attention towards him. In the first phone conversation with him, I told him that I found him cute but in reply he told me that I had never noticed him and he was a nobody to me…. His words made me think…a nobody … a nobody suddenly became somebody so important in my life.We started talking over texts, over phone, during and after school. In our first phone conversation, things had just clicked between us. It made me believe that I could confide in him. We used to talk everyday. He knew everything about me and vice versa. I really liked him as a person. He became my best friend in fact, more than that… But our relationship did not blossom into a love story. We remained friends through out. I could share everything with him. The late night phone conversations, meet ups in and after school along with the gang made him an inevitable part of my life and it was the same for him… I believe… It was two years of our friendship now and everything went smoothly until when an abominable incident took place. Our gang dispersed for some reason and the repercussion was an almost eternal bitterness between him and I. It broke me. I had lost myself more than loosing him. It was almost impossible for me to assemble the broken pieces. He migrated to a different city for a year. After one year he came back but he never initiated to stay in touch. I knew I was at fault so I had no other alternative but to accept my fate. I had given up all hopes that things could be the same between us or we will ever meet! It was friendship’s day, my fate made me meet him at a coffee shop after one year… one year seemed so long… almost after ages… I struggled with a flush of teardrops in my eyes. I maintained my composure. He was with his new set of friends and seemed really happy. I pretended to remain unaffected. We exchanged stares and silently greeted each other. That very night my message tone beeped. Callously, I walked towards my phone, it was him. I was thrilled. He had sent a ‘Hie’. I went blank as I did not know what to reply! I just sent a hi too….