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The Inexplicable- SMS Connect

It is not always important to have verbal conversations with people who mean the most to you. It becomes extremely difficult to be vocal about  the way you feel about them, as you, yourself fail to  put them in words! A SMS can actually break barriers of hesitance  and can do wonders. In my opinion, one can talk more and more freely through a sms! It was always easier for me to express myself via smses and I guess it was the same for him! As mentioned in my earlier posts, our medium of  conversation was mostly through SMS. It was fun but painful!!! My fingers used to pain adversely  after a point that is when both of us had exchanged like a hundred messages on a stretch (only!!) 😉  But what kept me going was his interest to talk to me ! Initially, both of us were not very comfortable talking over the phone but it was indispensable for me to talk to him and at least make an attempt to mend broken ties, so the only weapon I could adopt was Short Message Service (I Can never thank enough the inventor!! ) It created a foundation for our verbal conversations which gave us an opportunity for meet ups  (Meet ups – Sigh! negligible 😥 ). But I was content (formerly) and ecstatic that we spoke almost everyday and  for the whole day!  We always had a good stock to talk and discuss about but the moment we went short of topics, he remained mum! The incorrigible  me initiated absurd and completely baseless topics 😉 which eventually led to a pretty long conversation  😉 and by the end of it, he used to come up with something worth talking about!:D  The process went on for quite sometime and strengthened our bond a little! Yes, it did lead to a certain amount of disconnection from what was  happening around me earlier (I did not regret it) but in a week or two I mastered the skill of multi-tasking 😀  Every time a text from him made me all excited 🙂 My friends used to tease me with him but I never bothered to justify our relationship to them as I firmly believed that they exactly knew how I felt and were equally happy!  There also came a time when sometimes I failed to reply to his sms due to unavoidable situations and then the flow of his multiple texts reflected his agitation ..that particular feeling was undefinable as his sudden agitation made me ‘assume’ that I did mean something  to him!! 🙂

There are certain things that are unattainable no matter how hard you try to get hold of them…There are certain things that just cannot be fixed even if you put your life to fix them! It is difficult to get back people who have meant a lot to you but it is even more difficult to handle the fact that you are not the same for them anymore in spite all your efforts!!! Certain things are just meant to be the way they are, one can call it fate or destiny.. Few things are short lived. But I always believed that the bond I shared with him was not for a short period of time..  After that night (refer ‘the letter’) we started talking almost everyday 🙂 I remained skeptical about things though and did not want to repeat the same mistakes all over again.. So I was prudent every time I spoke to him. Initially, it was difficult to be myself as I did not open up about things but later, my mind and heart spoke a thousand words to him without any hesitation. He always listened to me with a curious ear. He seemed to be a little interested about the on goings in my life, while on the contrary I was too keen to know about everything in his life, his whereabouts, his set of friends, his problems, family, even his intake of food 😛 😛 The entire phase seemed absurdly cute and I loved every minute of it. Our mode of conversation was mostly through texts. My fingers were never in peace and the message traffic remained green 24*7. During this time, my parents were mostly cooperative but as soon as my perpetual typing of the texts paced, they lost their patience . Their fuming stare day and night was like a thousand bullets eagerly propelling through their angry eye balls towards me.With every beep of my message tone, my parents exasperation slowly reached the zenith. I had no other choice but to cease for the moment or  confront the ineluctable repercussions 😀 😀 😀

He always told me that I was the indisputable ‘antaryami’ (who knew everything, of course all pun intended). I always claimed that I knew everything. If nothing I was pretty certain about what and how he felt about me as a person. I claimed that I was aware of my importance in his life (the journey from maximum to meagre importance – completely heartbreaking and excruciating! 😦 😦 ). He was not vocal about how he felt about me but he always did indicate that what I saw or felt might not be for real! 🙂 🙂 He often called me by that name but his indication helped me believe (virtually) that I might not be just an ordinary friend but a special friend  (I so badly wished that my illusion was a  reality) 😦 😦

I waited for his reply after the text but he did not respond. I was in a dilemma to text him again but then I retreated my fingers from doing so. It was one-ish at night and I was at the verge of dozing off but my message tone beeped once again. Excitedly, I jumped off my bed to get the phone  lying on the ottoman. I quickly held on to my phone and saw the text, it read ‘ How have you been?’… zillion emotions stirred in me. I had been dreaming of  the day to talk to him and justify my part of the story but could not believe that things were actually happening for real. I tried disconnecting my mind from the thoughts that revolved around me day and night  and wrote ” I am fine.. how are you?” I became impatient and could not wait for his reply. But this time he replied rather quickly. He said he was doing well, at least better than before. I wondered what that meant. My mind was bombarded with  questions… I knew that he had a tough time in a different city. I knew it was difficult for him not to be in touch with his best friends… I knew I did not fit the bill any more but it must have been excruciating for him not to talk to his  close friends. I knew I had been the reason for his loss. After contemplating, I sent him a message again that read ‘Same here’. My mind became jittery when he did not reply this time. Numerous reasons flooded my mind. Did he doze off all of a sudden??? ( I started grumbling to myself… ‘You cannot make him sleep, I had waited for this for so long!!!’)  or was he genuinely caught up with something or did his insight asked him not to talk to me, again. I just wanted my mind to be in peace and not to ‘assume’ so much. He always told me ‘Don’t you think you assume too much.. ASSUMPTION QUEEN!’  To ease my mind a little, I stepped out of my room furtively as I did not want my parents to shout in terror  as it was two at night  and walked towards the balcony to get a breath of fresh air. The gentle breeze played with my hair  and  I realized that assumptions could be claustrophobic. My message tone beeped again and it brought a big smile on my face 🙂

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